losing to a friend (lyn)

Hazel arrives in town from Chicago very late last night.   Before she arrives, I research things to do.  I send Hazel an email a few weeks ago with some suggestions:  one to an exhibit on Pompeii, another to a museum, and a third for a one-man play.  All sound good, although really, who am I kidding?  I know we’ll end up doing what we prefer to do most:  walk the streets of New York, eat well, and shop around.

It’s a cold, rainy day so we take a cab to Bloomingdales, which is supposed to be our first stop, and ends up being our last one too.  Years ago when Hazel would visit, we would jokingly have a contest: who could spend the most money.  Hazel proved to a be a worthy contender.  And now that I’m not working and she is, my goal is not to win.

Hazel buys a Joe Malone fragrance and some Clarins makeup while I get in trouble in the fine jewelry department.  I use the money my parent’s gave me for my birthday, along with the 20% Friends and Family discount, and buy a gorgeous pair of Roberto Coin gold hoops.  I doubt that Hazel can catch up now.

Out next stop is the second floor, casual clothes.  I try on a pair of 28 J Brand jeans that are ankle length, but can be rolled.  I’m thrilled that they easily fit, and are even too big around the waist.  I show Hazel.  “They’re nice, but they don't look great from the back.  It looks like you have a white-person's ass."  And then adds, “But maybe that’s because I’m so used to working with Black woman who pride themselves on their nice rounded booties.”  I decide to buy the jeans anyway since no pair of pants is going to give me that nice rounded bum look.

Hazel next buys two multi-colored tops and a neutral open-weave sweater.  All are pretty and flattering on her.  I buy a James Perse throw-on summer charcoal jumper.  It’s easy and cute and I think, “This is the kind of dress I know I’ll live in.” 

Next stop is the men’s department where I buy Alexander a gorgeous pink T and a turquoise long-sleeve shirt.  Exhausted, we come home.

I show Alexander his clothes.  “I don’t like any of them,” he says.  I’m not sure why but don’t argue.  Then Robyn comes over and I ask her opinion of my purchases.  She is a true fashionista and I can rely on her for truthful answers.

First, the earrings.  “They are beautiful.  Really gorgeous.”  I knew she’d love them.  “But they make the holes in your ears droop.  That happens with age.”  Honestly, this is a problem I have never before considered.  “Hazel, look.  Do you see what I mean? Don’t you think it makes the holes in her ears look longer?”  Hazel agrees.  There is no way I can keep them.  All that hard work at losing weight and now I have to worry about saggy ear lobes.

Then I try on the dress.  “This is such a Lyn-dress."  I'm thinking she likes it.  "But now that you have such a nice body, you shouldn’t be wearing anything so shapeless.  Take it back.” 

And finally, I put on the jeans.  “Adorable,” Robyn says, and doesn’t see to notice the flat tush.

Tomorrow everything but the jeans will be returned.  Hazel describes this as bulimic shopping.  I’m not sure what it is, but I'm happy to be today's big loser.