colonscopy prep (m)

Routine colonoscopy scheduled for tomorrow at 2 p.m.  Got a packet of literature a few weeks ago and, uncharacteristically, read it ahead of time.  I've had one prior colonscopy and thought I was familiar with the prep.  This time, however, is different. 

FIVE DAYS before the procedure, they want you to go on a "low fiber-low residue" diet.  What, you ask, is that?  Processed food, refined sugar, white on white.  No fruits, no vegetables, no nuts, no wheat products, no high fiber anything.  No popcorn, no corn, no seeds, no peas, no beans.  No salads, no rice.  No shellfish.  No "chewy" meats (steak, chicken).  No chips, no chocolate. No granola. No spices (hot, flavorful).

I can eat cottage cheese, eggs, bland cheeses, white bread, ice cream (not chocolate), yogurts (without the fruit mixed in).  Plain cereals (cornflakes) and milks.  Mayonnaise.  I can have mayonnaise.  Pasta.  Butter.

Maybe it's psychological, but all I've been craving is salad and shrimp.  I'd also love a high-fiber English muffin.  I had a piece of white toast and it was like biting into one of those UPS envelopes.  Pasta without sauce?  Un-Italian. 

I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe where Twinkies are good and Carrots are evil.

Bizarre.