thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's..... (m)

We moved into our then newly-built home twelve years ago.  The house next door was still being built.  The owners needed a variance from the town because the proposed height exceeded the zoning guidelines.  The wife, S, called me to ask for support at the upcoming hearing.  It was our first conversation as we had never met.

We talked a bit about our kids and I learned that her son, K, attended the same private boys' school as the son of a co-worker.

The next day, I mentioned this connection to Deborah, the perky lawyer in my office.  Short, smart, stylish.

Deborah gasped.  "She's going to be your neighbor....your next door neighbor?"


"Yes, why?",  I asked.

"Have you seen her?  She's gorgeous!  Naturally blonde, tall, thin and with the most beautiful face I've ever seen.  I can't stop looking at her when I see her," said the heterosexual Deborah.


A nightmare, I thought.  Is she nice?

"She's wonderful.  You'll love her.  She could be the nicest person I have ever met."

I don't know why, but that made me feel even worse.

S and I couldn't be more different.  She once told me a story of how some girls at her college soaped up the floor and went sliding.  She stayed in her dorm room, still in her cheerleading outfit, and waited for the ruckus to blow over.  I would have been the one sliding.

S is in her early 40's and still cheerleader-pretty.  Her blonde hair is still long and she dresses in casual clothes most of the time.  Over the years, she's been a good neighbor, bringing stew over after my aunt died, extending an open invitation to come swim in her pool (I only go when she's in Montauk) and inviting us to dinner at her home every now and then.  She could be the nicest person I've ever met.  Deborah was spot on.

Yesterday, I got an email from her.  The title was "All-Time High."

S has gained weight.  Even her doctor told her to take it off.  She's going on a cruise with her girlfriends in November (one of the women is a gym-bunny).  She's desperate.  Do I have any advice for her?

Think about that.  She's asking me for advice!

S says she wants a "quick fix" so WW is not an option.

I went into my Rolodex of fad diets and gimmicky programs and sent them to her in an email.

She'll be back.