the voice in my head (m)

One of my favorite "light" movies is Two Weeks Notice with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant.  I'm sure you've seen it.  Lucy (Sandra Bullock) is a Harvard Law School-educated  attorney who was raised by two ultra liberal intellectuals who are always fighting for some noble cause.  The mother is very tough and she despises Lucy's rich boss who is a developer trying to take down their community center to build condos.

In one scene, on the rooftop of Lucy's apartment in New York, she tries to explain her mother to George (Hugh Grant).  Lucy tells him, "For better or worse, she is the voice in my head, pushing me to do better, never giving up until I get the A."

I remember the first time I heard that line.  I got a jolt of recognition.  That's my mother, I thought. 

Today was difficult.  Mother's Day.  Friends called to ask how I was doing.  I got lots of cards and emails.  My friend Susan took me out yesterday for lunch and a movie (Jane Eyre) with her mother and daughter.  I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who care about me.  Even my friend with cancer texted me to let me know she would be thinking about me today.  Incredible.

My husband asked what I wanted for Mother's Day.  A gift? To be taken out somewhere?  I told him all I wanted was for him to come with me to the cemetery to visit my mother's grave.  I bought a huge pink hydrangea plant.

We get to the cemetery and I walk to the grave, afraid of showing emotion with so many people around.  The last time I was here was the day before Easter and I burst into tears when I put the lily plant on the grave.  That time, I had Aunts X and Y with me.

This time, however, I put the plant down and I was fine.  No tears.   

Why the difference?

I have come to realize that my mother lives on in me.  She is the voice inside my head.  I realize that I think of her so many times every day and I can "hear" her talking to me.  She is still mothering me and watching over me and that brings me comfort. 

Tonight, for example, I was sitting in the kitchen, checking out my email on my iPad.  I was contemplating a snack when I heard her:  "That's enough.  Stop eating.  Get back on track."