one month anniversary (m)

I woke up at 4 a.m. to the sound of thunder.  "Thundersnow" to be precise.  I am not sleeping well these days as I am haunted by the last three days of my mother's life....the hospital, the doctor's, the noises, the end.  By 6 a.m. I got out of bed to escape the dreams.

I went downstairs and put a laundry in and began ironing the clothes I put aside earlier in the week.  My mother used to do all my ironing as that was her favorite activity.  I know I could send it out to be done professionally, but how could I justify doing that when my 85 year-old mother used to do it herself?  I began with the easy stuff and gradually worked my way up to the 108" linen tablecloth from Christmas.  The hard part was keeping the ironed part off the floor as I rolled the fabric on the ironing board to reveal the wrinkled part.  I asked Harrison to hold the smooth part "like a bride's train."  He looked perplexed and said, "That means nothing to me."   Then he added, "Nana used to do this all by herself."

Somewhere in the second hour of ironing, I felt guided by her hand and the job went more smoothly.  I felt her presence so powerfully.  I had a burst of energy and decided to cook.  I put a ham in the oven for T (Cousin Patty gave me an uncooked ham "to have on hand") and made pulled pork in the crock pot for Harrison.  I made a batch of cookies and gave some to the snow plow guy who was having a beast of a time with our steep driveway.

I made beds, took all remaining Christmas decorations down and put them away.  I went out and shoveled the snow by the garage doors which the plow can't access. 

I made a salad for me and then began writing thank you notes.  My share of the thank you notes totals 150.  I can't just sign my name when people took the time to write, cook, send flowers, attend services, or visit me.  I stopped when my handwriting degenerated to that resembling a stroke victim.

At 4 p.m., I was looking for more work to do. T and Harrison, who heretofore relished the thought of a cozy snow day, said I was "exhausting them" and encouraged me to relax.

I couldn't.  I still felt my mother's presence.  She never stopped doing things until she fell asleep at night. 

To be honest with you, I didn't understand it myself.  Normally, I would have loved to break open a new book or take a nap.  Not today.  I wondered why.

I organized my bills, and took out my checkbook.  It was when I had to date the first check....January 12th that I realized my mother has been gone  exactly one month. 

I put the checkbook away and took to my bed.