a big mistake (lyn)

I have a meeting downtown today.  It’s to discuss the status on the project I’ve been working on.  Without going into a lot of details, I’ve been frustrated with one of the senior exec’s (let’s call her Zoë) I’ve been working with.  I’ve been asking for something for weeks and she’s not sure she can deliver it.  Today, my boss (who is also Zoë ‘s boss) asks for the same thing.  In less than five seconds (this is no exaggeration) it is produced.  Without thinking, I say, “But Zoë, you said this couldn’t be done.”  Then a few minutes later, I say it again.  Our mutual boss explodes.  “Will you two just stop all this bickering?  I can’t stand it.  It doesn’t matter who said what when, let’s just get this done!”

I know I am wrong.  I should not have said anything then.  I meet with Zoë after and she is understandably fuming.  “How dare you embarrass me in front of both my boss and my subordinates?”  I apologize and offer no excuses.  After much discussion, Zoe says, “I forgive you.  We need to move on from here.  But I will never, ever, forget this.”  I come home feeling awful.

This posting may not be about food, but it is about what consumes my day.  I remember interviewing for a job in 1999 or so, with a television executive whom I’d never met.  He had heard of me, and what he’d heard was this:  “You’re very smart, but also very difficult.”  I’m not sure about the very smart part, but I do think my instincts are good.  And I do work hard.  But I also know that I make mistakes---political ones--- again and again.  

Today reminds me of my past.  I alienated someone I like and respect.  I was stupid and impulsive.  I wish my shell were harder.  I wish I could undo my mistake.  I wish I didn’t feel so bad.