Wednesday, March 30, 2011

sleeping and eating on a plane (m)

Lufthansa.  German efficiency.  The plane takes off on time (of course).  Our hostess/airline attendant is an Uber German.  Extremely tall.  Big boned, but slim.  I'm intimidated.

We are in Business Class.  It cost alot more but I could not imagine an 8 hour flight in steerage.  Yes, I'm spoiled from having flown business class all those years while working.  It's my drug.  I am addicted.

Some sadist planned the menu.  The beef option is deer.  The fish is salmon.  The vegetarian is gnocci which the German attendant pronounces as "Know- Key".  Have you ever had fish on a plane?  Imagine low tide taking on a tangible form.   The deer is a non-starter.  I get the Know-Key. The attendant says they are "fabulous."  They are dreadful.  Like dense potato latkes with a red sauce on them.  I have two bites and leave the rest.  The attendant asks if I don't like them.  I don't want to insult her by saying they are like hockey pucks with an overly acidic but tasteless sauce, so I tell her I am on Weight Watchers and can't eat too many carbs.  Because of my carbs lie, I have to skip the roll.  I just have salad and the fresh fruit for dessert.

I console myself by saying I can make up for this deficit by eating real food in Italy.

Because it is an evening flight, they shut off all the lights.  I decide to kill time by sleeping.  I can't work the chair.  Too many buttons and, by the way, who knows the chair has to go up two feet before it goes down.  Does that make sense to anyone?  I kept thinking I hit the wrong button.  I look around.  Everyone else, including Harrison, is sound asleep, their chairs converted into proper beds.  Meanwhile, I look like I'm an inch from the ceiling, sitting upright.  I try again with the buttons and wake up Harrison by spilling a full glass of water on his back.  He jumps up and thinks he's peed himself.

"You're a mess!" he says.

I ask him for help but he punishes me for soaking him.  I sleep sitting up....way up...for 6 hours.  Armed with two ivy league degrees and I'm the only one on the plane who can't figure out my airplane chair!

I can't wait to get out of this plane and sleep in a real bed.

No comments:

Post a Comment