doomed from the start? (m)

I've been overweight for as long as I can remember. My mother says I was "long, dark and skinny" when I was born and "normal" when she took care of me. Once I was old enough to forage through the pantry on my own, I became a little "chubette".

I live to eat.

Part of it is cultural. I am second-generation Italian. Food was omnipresent....and excellent. My grandmothers made everything from scratch and the kitchen always smelled of something incredible. No matter what event we were planning (bon voyage party, someone's work promotion party) the big question was: "What are we gonna eat?". It began and ended with food. The smell of basil makes me cry for my grandmother.

We even ate at the cemetery. Have you ever had a picnic at the cemetery? I have. Every Memorial Day. The choices usually were meatball subs or pepper and egg sandwiches. I remember sitting by a headstone of a sculpture of a young man falling out of a boat (he drowned) thinking: "I hope none of my friends see me". Even I knew we were crazy.

Through high school, I was a size 12. Not bad, but not bikini material--ever. My weight was a solid 140 pounds and, coupled with a nose that matured before the rest of my features, I learned not to trade on my looks. So, I was "the smart and funny one" (eventually Harvard, Wharton MBA). Clothes were not too much of an issue as I wore a uniform to my Catholic school and my family didn't have much money so I couldn't afford to buy much anyway. I did, however, dread going shopping with my friends, all of whom were thin and pretty.

Through my twenties, I added an exercise regimen. 140 lbs actually looks good when you exercise alot. Mostly aerobics, some calisthenics classes. I was toned and reasonably trim.

Then came marriage, career, babies, construction of a new house, aging parents to help care for. All at the same time. If I were to write a book about my life during this period, it would be called: Too Much on the Plate. I was stressed out and ate with abandon. Whatever was available at the office, I ate. If I got home late from work and the kids' activities, I'd reward myself with something delicious and bad...half a pizza, anything from McDonald's. Maybe both. It was the greatest source of pleasure in a day of madness.

I worked for a Fortune 100 Company and was promoted to President. The first woman in the company's 103-year history. I could afford to buy anything I wanted. The problem was, I couldn't fit into anything I'd want to buy and wouldn't buy anything I could fit into.

My company got acquired and I worked for the new company for two years before I chose to leave with a severance package. Freedom.

Now I would take care of me.

But here I am, two years later and I haven't achieved my weight loss goals. I did take care of my teeth--five implants, four crowns, three root canals, two grafts and one extraction. Twenty-six separate appointments.

Why was it easier to do all that and not diet?

What is keeping me from losing weight?

I have do to something. I'll try Weight Watchers.


m