week one weigh In--it's working! (m)

I strategized the weigh-in.

First, I had hot chamomile tea with lemon the night before to get things going in my system so I would "go to the bathroom" first thing in the morning.

Second, I got up an hour earlier and moved around alot so my lazy-ass system would kick in.  It did.  I took that as a good-luck sign.  My brother Phil called just afterwards and detected a happy tone in my voice.  I told him why.  He was mortified ( meanwhile, he stays thin by eating every other day...).

The Weight Watchers class starts at 10 a.m.  My friend, Mary, told me to get there by 9:30 for weigh-in.  I packed my breakfast and arrived at 9:15 a.m.  Someone walked in the door.  It's open?  I ran right in.  Only one person ahead of me.  This is good.  It will be over within a few minutes.

Uh, oh.  The woman ahead of me is a problem.  She wants to return a box of some Weight Watchers product even though she's eaten a portion of it.  Turns out it's the bars with nuts and twigs and dried fruit.  The woman behind the desk is exasperated (It's my nemesis, Elaine).

I use the time to go through my pre-game check-list:   Bladder Voided-check; Bowels Empty-check+; Jewelry Off-check; Light-weight clothes on-check minus (I wanted to take the denim shirt over my tee shirt off and had planned to do so when no one was there, but now a line has formed and I can't risk my friend Mary seeing my arms).  Elaine and the woman are still going at it. But you recommend these to me and told me they are your favorites, says the woman.  Just because they are my favorites doesn't mean you'll like them.  Besides, you asked me what I liked, says Elaine.  I turn around: the line has grown to ten people and we're all pissed.

The talk in the line turns to which products people like.  I half-listen.  Something catches my ear.   I hear something about swine flu.  A woman thought she had it last week when her stomach began to rumble.  Turns out it was one of the Weight Watchers's candies.  You can eat the whole box for only ONE POINT and one of the ingredients has a laxative effect.  Says so right on the label.  My head spins around like the girl in the Exorcist:  "which candy, which candy?" I ask.  I must have this item.  Sounds like my perfect food concept.  You consume it in its entirety, has little to no calories and gently and politely leaves your system. The woman behind me shows me the candy.  It's in my shopping cart immediately.

Elaine and the woman ahead work out a deal.  I'm up.

I get on the scale.  Now, remember, Elaine--I don't want to know my weight, I say.  She turns to the other employee next to her (who just showed up--where the hell have you been everyone wants to know) and asks if they can do that. Meanwhile, I am still standing on the scale.  This has never happened before.  Does that affect the reading?  I'm trying to figure out if it makes the numbers go up.  You're killing me, Elaine.

Okay, she says.  There's a smirk on her face.  You don't want to know your weight?  NO.  Not even your progress?  Yes, of course.  Just the delta...the difference...what I lost or gained. (I'm trying to find a way to get this concept into her head).  Oh, so you DO want to know what you lost?  YES!

Okay, you lost 9 pounds!  Her colleague comes over and says "actually, she lost 9.8 pounds, Elaine".

Nine point eight pounds.  And it's still September.  I thought I wouldn't get to that point until October.

I could kiss Elaine.