owning up (m)

I never told you this but, 20 years ago, when I first started to gain weight, I sought out the advice of a well-known nutritionist who had a column in The Boston Globe.  She said she offered private counseling for women seeking to lose weight.  Her column was a fun read, so I thought this would be a good experience.

Her office was in a shabby brownstone in Brookline.  Our first appointment was an "interview" where she asked me about my relationships with the people in my life and with food.  A bit odd, but as with some bizarre parlor game, I played along.  I told her about my background from childhood onwards....my college and business school experiences....my job...my husband...my family.  All the while, she's laughing and typing on an electric typewriter.  I wonder where this is headed and keep talking.  I am addicted to the fact that she finds my words "typeworthy".

She asks me what makes me overeat.  I blamed the pressures of my job and the trays of cookies lying out all afternoon, the stress of my family, the fact that my husband's job takes him away 4 nights a week which makes me feel lonely and crave carbs.

Then, in an abrupt change of personality akin to when Sally Field played Sybil, she turns to me, looking scary-stern and says: "You don't own the problem." 

At first, I don't get it.  "Yes!" I say, thinking she means it's not my fault.

To which she scolds:  "No...I mean you haven't taken ownership of the problem.  Your job didn't do this to you.  Your husband didn't do this to you.  Your family didn't do this to you.  YOU did this to you!"

And then it hit me.  She's right.  I got myself here.

Why am I thinking about this long-ago interaction now? 

Because, I am struggling this week.  I'm not feeling the resolve I have felt for the past 12 weeks.  I am feeling indifferent and I can't explain why. I'm afraid I will slip up big-time if I don't get my drive back. Maybe it's the stress of the holiday season.

Whatever it is, one thing is certain.  I got myself into this situation and I have to get myself out of it.