it's not just about the food (lyn)

When I see my internist for my annual check up, I record the results, including my weight.  Looking back, in 2001 and 2005 I weighed about the same as I do now, even a little more.  I remember a lot from those years (September 11^th and my son’s Bar Mitzvah among the most memorable), but I do not remember any concerns about my weight.  None existed.

And now, it’s top of mind all the time.

On the plus side (no pun intended), I am proud of what I’ve achieved since September.  I feel like a new, revitalized person.  A friend told me recently that my face looks so much better, that it “glows,” and that’s how I feel.  Glowing.  I get compliments now where none existed for so long.  Yesterday, Zelia (one of my most candid and critical friends) looked at me and said, “You really look great.”  And when I stood naked before my dermatologist who had just completed a body check, I asked, “Do I look good?” meaning, am I clear of any suspicious looking growths.  And she replied, “You look better than good.  You look fabulous.”  I can wear almost all of my pre-fat clothes; I am rarely winded; I’m not afraid to look in a mirror; I’m not embarrassed by how I look; and I can come home and stay in my jeans rather than rush to put on my more forgiving sweats.  I am more comfortable in my clothes, and more comfortable with myself.

But there is a negative to all this.  I sometimes wonder if I am too focused on me.  I know that I have become a little obsessive…I mean, really, weighing food at this point does feel a bit excessive.  But it keeps me on track, and so I do it.  Besides, I’m still hoping to lose more. 

I’m going out with John again next week.  (We talk regularly but I don’t see him often, so I am really looking forward to it.  Plus, I’m twenty pounds less than when I last saw him in October).  But when he suggests maybe Italian, I tell him that I’d prefer something else, unless it’s Northern Italian.  I’m still afraid of being near a big plate of pasta.  He then suggests seafood, which I love.  And when we are picking a date, I suggest Wednesday, as that is the start of my tracking week, my 35 bonus points are all intact, and I’m again seven days away from weigh in.

So I wonder, is this my new life?  Have I become a cautious diner, as well as a healthier one?  Will I ever be able to eat a burger and fries again without angst?  Or order chocolate mouse for dessert?  Or let a friend pick the restaurant without restrictions from me?

Though I think about my future eating habits,  my real concern has nothing to do with food or weight.   What keeps me up at night is my financial future.  I don’t often write about this (it’s too painful), but it is what  consumes me.  Losing weight always felt like something I knew with certainty that I could do; it's finding a job (at this stage, any job, not even a good one) that eludes me.  But maybe now that I have more confidence I can also be more hopeful.