faking it (lyn)

I love hamburgers, but decide to try instead a Boca burger (a frozen, “original vegan meatless burger”) for 5 reasons.

1. It’s 1 point vs. 6.

2. It’s been recommended by a friend who rarely diets and says she likes them.

3. The picture on the packaging looks like a real hamburger.

4. I’m still reeling from last Sunday’s NY Times front-page article, Woman's Shattered Life Shows Ground Beef Inspection Flaws (about a 22-year-old women who was paralyzed after eating a hamburger tainted with e coli.

5.  I don’t eat meat more than once a week, so this way, I can still have a steak tomorrow.

I buy all the real trappings so that whatever the Boca (who thought up that name, and why?) burger tastes like, it will resemble the real thing.  I purchase hotdog relish and real hamburger rolls (by Pepperidge Farm), though I compromise slightly and go for the 100% whole wheat.  I already have the avocado and ketchup. 

I take the Boca burger out of the packaging, and it vaguely resembles the picture.  It’s about ¼ the size of the photo.  I look at the packaging photo again  and see in very tiny lettering, “enlarged to show texture.”  Hmmm.  I debate between putting it in the microwave for under two minutes or dirtying up a frying pan.  I opt for the quicker-cleaner method and put it in the microwave.

After 45 seconds I realize that the rolls are missing.  I stop the microwave, and ask Alexander where the rolls are, since he was the one who unloaded the bag with the rolls and the hotdog relish in it.  We can’t find the rolls.  Could he have unloaded the bag, left the rolls in it, and then tossed the bag?  He says not.  Could the store have forgotten to pack the rolls?  I doubt it.  Could I have put them away in some unusual place?  I hope not.  So I send Alexander back to D’Agastino for another package of  whole wheat hamburger rolls.  I wonder what this will do to the half-cooked Boca burger sitting in the microwave.  Should I now start over and reset the microwave for the full 1:45 minutes, or just for :60 since 15 minutes ago I had already cooked it  for 45 seconds.  I would never have thought this would be so trying. 

My son returns with the replaced rolls.  I zap the sad looking Boca burger for 1 minute, 5 seconds.  I toast the roll.  It burns.  I toast another roll. I add 1/8 an avocado, which is too little to cover what does not look like an appetizing hamburger substitute.  I add another 1/8 an avocado.   Then I smother the whole thing in ketchup and hotdog relish.  I add exactly 30 fat-free Pringles to my meal.  My son then tells me that he is having dinner with a friend, burgers at J.G. Melons.  I wish I were him.

That’s okay, I think.  I’m happy.  Really I am.  I bite in.  Not exactly terrible.  As long as the taste of the vegan burger is masked.

Conclusion:  some things are just not worth faking.