My plan to see a movie with Zelia falls through at the last minute. Zelia has been living in this country for over ten years, and speaks fluent English. Her heart and soul are Brazilian; and of course, her first language is Portuguese. Zelia is a brilliant economist and sometimes jokes that she is so much smarter in Portuguese than in English. We keep missing each other on the phone and she finally leaves me a voicemail explaining why she has to cancel, “I’ve been trying to reach you, but we’ve been playing cat and rat all day.”
So instead of seeing a movie, I stay home with Alexander. Today he took an SAT 2 in Physics and Math2, and finally, this brutal junior year is over. Relief at last.
We first think about watching a movie, but can’t find one we both like. Our interests are vastly different. So then we start channel surfing. This is a foreign activity for me. In fact, I rarely even watch cable.
Once we have left the mainstream channels, we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory--- even for Alexander who is a more adventurous TV viewer than I am. We begin with a Chinese game show, in Chinese. Alexander and I try to guess the rules of the game by just watching. We are entertained for less than five minutes.
Next we hit on The African Network, which is incredibly dull. The captions are for the reading-impaired; only five words can fit across the screen at a time. Africa is an astonishingly interesting country, but that you wouldn’t know from this network.
We quickly leave Africa and find a Black QVC channel hosted by two white women, one of whom is Joan Rivers. She is promoting leg make up and all the models are also white. It’s hard to figure out why two white hosts are on a self-described Black network. We are not interested enough to figure this one out. Or, maybe there is no answer that makes sense. And, are there really people who would smear makeup all over their legs to make them look better? All these important questions are better left for more curious minds.
We say good-bye to Joan and come across a show about Whale Wars. Alexander would watch this but I have zero interest.
Next we land on a show we both find amusing, America’s Cutest Dog. Some of the choices could qualify for America’s ugliest dog, like the little pooch with the three-foot tongue. This show would have kept our attention for longer if there hadn’t been a panel of four (a veterinarian, a dog trainer, a groomer, and one other) adding senseless commentary. They were analyzing each dog’s behavior as if it were molecular biology. Their blathering made a cute show stupid.
So we leave this show, move onto The Travel Channel, and find something we end up watching: Extreme Fast Food. Since I never ever eat fast food, and Alexander rarely does, we are enlightened by the offerings that exist. Here are two restaurants that are profiled.
Heart Attack Grill
Located in Arizona, this aptly-named hospital-themed restaurant serves hamburgers called Single, Double, Triple, and Quadruple Bypass Burgers. Calories on the quadruple are 8,000. They also serve Flatliner Fries cooked in pure lard. Waitresses are called nurses, orders are called prescriptions, and customers are called patients. And if you weigh over 350 pounds, you can eat for free.
The Wiener’s Circle
This lovely establishment in Chicago is known for its hot dogs and the obscenities its staff dishes out to customers on the weekends. One of the restaurant’s employees, Roberta “Poochie” Jackson, is shown yelling things I dare not write at some late night customers. If we visit Chicago this summer to look at Northwestern, Alexander has already requested that we have a hot dog at The Wiener’s Circle. He’s anxious to meet Poochie.
After an hour or so, I decide to go back to reading. But I did learn something…maybe McDonald’s isn’t so bad after all!
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