"I used to be a contender" (lyn)

Today I get an email alert from CNN Breaking News:

"U.S. unemployment rate hits 10.2 percent in October, the highest rate since April, 1983.  Job losses total 190,000."

I am one of those unemployed.

Basically, I'm a pretty happy girl (I think you can be a girl at any age; my mom walks every day with "the girls" just as my sister's three grown sons will always be "the boys”).  I feel very lucky to have the many friends I have; a healthy, close-knit family; an incredible son; and to live in a city I love.  And I don't lack for things to do or people with whom to do those things.  But there is a part of my life, a big part, that I've not really written about.  

I spend some of almost every weekday morning looking for a job.  I craft targeted letters explaining why I'm qualified for jobs that are several levels below where I once was.  I detail how my skills as a marketer can transfer well to another kind of job.  I complete detailed online applications for jobs I know I'd be great at.  I sometimes find jobs that my skills and experience perfectly match.  And still, it's as if my letters vanish before landing.  I never hear back from any of these companies.

In the fall of last year, I try to start my own company, and even teach myself how to create a website (http://www.babadog.com).  While those who see my product love it, the economy makes it difficult to find clients.  That, and I have no marketing budget.  

It's been almost three full years without income.  I think it's hard for anyone who hasn't been where I am to fully understand.  After years of writing letters, mailing out resumes, and networking wherever I can, I have pretty much concluded that any job I do get will be one that I help create.  I no longer fit into a cookie-cutter mold.

My family thinks I'm not trying hard enough.  They are well-intentioned and offer suggestions that they think are helpful.  "You should just knock on doors” was one such suggestion.  I don't even know what that means.  Later it's explained to me that some people go door-to-door applying for jobs that retailers have posted.  Like at the local Foot Locker or Wal-Mart’s.  It hurts me to think that a job I could have gotten out of high school (or even before) is now being suggested to me, after 4 years of college, 2 years of graduate school, and 20 years in the workplace.  Because I haven't been successful in earning money, I feel like I've failed in a very fundamental way.  

Much of my self-esteem has been tied up in my work.  I liked saying I was head of Marketing at CNBC, or that I held a senior marketing post at Discovery Communications.  It made me feel good.  I adored the smart, creative people with whom I worked, liked the camaraderie of pushing toward a singular goal, and enjoyed the excitement of working on products that were constantly evolving. 

I worked for many good people over the years, some of whom I still know.  But one of the few benefits of not working is not having to report to someone who's an idiot.  For example, I had this one boss who was totally incapable of making decisions.  He was also mean-spirited and had an explosive personality, which compounded the problem, especially since he was in a position of power.

One time I was working with an outside producer to create a speech that Ted (not his real name) would be delivering to a group of advertisers.  He had left behind his practice script one day, so I picked it up so that I could return it to him.  Throughout the script, I noticed these notations atop every fifth word or so that read R, C, or L.  I hadn't a clue.  So I asked the producer what he thought it meant and his best guess (which turned out to be correct) was Right, Center, Left.  Notated by Ted so he'd know where to place his eyes as he presented his speech.  It always amazes me that a person like him could ever have made it so far up the proverbial ladder.  Eventually Ted was fired, but that took years and happened long after I’d left.

I don't like looking for a job because I can't get the results I need, despite performing all the right steps.  

Maybe I would have liked WW anyway, but I especially like it because of its predictability. While I may eat the same number of points each week, and walk the same number of miles, my weight loss may still vary.  But I know, with absolute certainty, that overtime I will lose weight.