happy now? (lyn)

That’s the name of a new off-Broadway play I saw last night.  It’s about the stresses and hurdles of midlife. Juggling the demands of motherhood with everything else.   Being a good friend.  Avoiding unhealthy temptations.  Caring about aging parents.  Wondering about the meaning of life.  Two and half hours after the play begins, it ends, and no one seems really happy.  Maybe a little happier, but not really happy.

That’s how I feel.  Happier. 

In May 2006 I got “sick” from an undiagnosed illness and my life spiraled out of control. I could barely function.  I stopped eating, went on Lexapro, and within two years, had gained over 32 pounds.  My internist was not even sure that if I stayed on Lexapro I could lose the weight.  So I consciously decided, for a while anyway, that I would rather be happy and heavy than thin and miserable.  It was a wonderful little excuse.  I also had no clue how to lose weight, as I had never before attempted it.

I have to admit, I am now very proud of myself.  It’s been almost six months since I decided to lose weight and not once in all that time have I wavered from that mindset.  I adjusted my lifestyle to accommodate my changes in eating, and have felt very little sacrifice.

I don’t shun mirrors any more.  I look in them and see me, not a heavier version of me.   It still amazes me how much better I look than such a short time ago.  I feel healthier.  I have a new wardrobe of old clothes I once loved, and never thought I’d wear again.  And people compliment me.  Something that has been missing from my life for two years, because really, for two years I looked bad.

And Alexander is trying very hard to do well in school.  He realizes that college is around the corner, and he wants for himself what I want for him:  the opportunity to go to a great school where he can get a great education….a college equivalent of his highly competitive, well-respected high school.

So much in my life is good.  But I am paralyzed with fear regarding my financial situation.  I have about two more months of money, having depleted my savings over the past four years of being unemployed.  I know how to lose weight; I wish I knew how to make money.

So am I happy?  Definitely happier.